Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Ketchup is God's man juice
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
