Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
