...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
