She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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