Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
She's the barista slut.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
