I just threw up on my dentist
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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