Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
