well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My dad just said "fuck circus"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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