I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
