I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize