My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
