the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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