He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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