Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
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i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
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You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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