1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
