My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
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