he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
