I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
