Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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