I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
