There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
