my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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