They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
