What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
