I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
