Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
