Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
