Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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