My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
