I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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