Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I forget how to act sober
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
