he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He? As in you personified your dick?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
