Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
