can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Randomize
