I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
