I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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