i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Randomize
