I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
