the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
