Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
