so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
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the night was just a blur of sex and pie
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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