the only muscles i have these days is kegels
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
