dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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