and my herpes radar will keep us safe
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
