Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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