I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
