your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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