Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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