I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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