she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Text me some of your sweat
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
