Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
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