Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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