Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
jump out the window naked night went bad
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