Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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