Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
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Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
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I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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