From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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