i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
