I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
