I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
