My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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