I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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