I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
