if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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